I'm not sure how to start this post really...I'm just feeling really down at the moment. Everything feels like such a waste right now, if that makes any sense....
The marathon training was going ok, but I just feel like I'm in over my head. I'll have a good day and then the next day I eat horribly and can't even make myself go run. I feel like I'm in this state of denial...like I keep telling myself I'll get to it later. But time is running out and pretty soon I'm going to realize I basically just threw away $100 and screwed over my friend who I was supposed to run with.
I know I just need to force myself to do it and stay on a healthy eating plan, but it's so hard. Sometimes when I'm dieting/exercising the motivation just hits me and it's like everything feels so effortless. But I have no control over it. It's either there or it's not. And when it's not, it's like every second is a struggle. I feel like such an idiot. I mean, how long have I been trying to lose weight and get in shape? And I can't do it. The two times I got close, I threw it all away. So sometimes I think what's the point? Even if I do stick with it long enough to lose the weight, I'll probably just gain it all back again. So why not just accept the inevitable?
Even if I do find the motivation, I feel like I'm still not going to be able to do it. I just feel like I'm fooling myself....
I don't know, the last couple days I've just had this feeling of loneliness and hopelessness come over me. I feel like I've spent the last month distracting myself with things that will never actually solve any problems. So when those things aren't around, all of a sudden the reality hits me hard. And I SHOULD use the diet and training to distract me because at least those would be healthy things to focus on. But I'm just not in that mindset yet. I keep hoping I'll get into it soon. After all, it wasn't immediate the last time I was in this position either. But this time I have a deadline and if I don't really get serious about this training soon, I might as well throw in the towel.
Well...tomorrow is another day.
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