Misery

I can't seem to snap out of this. I've been taking some time away, trying to figure things out, because writing a depressing post here every night isn't helping. But I've yet to figure anything out.

My life has become so extremely depressing. I pretty much spend every minute I'm not at work sitting on my couch watching TV. I just can't find much motivation to do anything else.

My apartment pool opened Saturday. Great.

I find myself wishing it was raining outside just so I wouldn't feel so guilty about staying on the couch.

My boyfriend spent the majority of the weekend at his parent's lake house and is going again today. I just can't bare to go when I feel like this. The idea of wearing a swimsuit makes me want to kill myself. The idea of going and not wearing a swimsuit because I can't makes me feel like the stupidest person in the world. Beyond all that, I know if I go I'm going to feel completely depressed and probably bring him down with my mood, so what's the point? And even though I've tried to explain how I feel, he doesn't get it and it's driving a wedge between us. Just as we finally pulled it away.  I don't blame him...why would you want to hang around someone who never wants to do anything and is completely miserable all of the time?

All of this should be enough to snap me out if it, but it's not. I don't know how or when it's going to happen. Sometimes I'm not sure that it's going to happen at all.

I probably won't be back tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that. But I'm alive. That's about all I can say.