Arghhh

I'll just start by saying that I'm an idiot. I totally screwed up my diet today because I had kind of an emotional breakdown. Argh. I hate that I'm so stupid that I turn to food in all situations like that! Have I not realized in my 24 years that food doesn't solve anything? And only makes me feel worse in the end? Obviously not.

It just sucks because I'm really unhappy. And being happy has to be the best diet secret I know of. I never feel the need to turn to food when I'm happy and content. I'm not saying I eat really healthy all the time, but I don't ever binge and I make better choices. I just hate it here. I haven't met anyone that I really like as far as people to be friends with, I'm questioning everything I've ever thought I wanted to do with my life, I hate the traffic, I hate the parking, I hate that I gave up so many good things to move to a place that's making me miserable. I just wish I could go back in time....

All that being said, I can't change the choices I've made. And I can't even fix them at this point in time. So I need to get my ass in gear and get my shit together so at least these months won't be a total waste. I just need to keep reminding myself that no matter how bad things are or how depressed and unhappy I feel, being fat and feeling disgusted with myself isn't going to make it any better. However, being thin, healthy, and self-confident will. How can I get that through my head? I think part of the problem is that deep down, I don't really believe that I'll ever be thin or happy with my body. It's been so long since I was happy with how I looked, and even though I got really close two summers ago, it's still hard for me to believe that I'll ever get there. I love the thought of going home for Christmas and being in awesome shape and feeling great about myself. But do I honestly believe that will happen? No. And I don't know why since it's pretty much completely in my control. But it's hard to think that I can really get there. And it's REALLY hard to work toward a goal that you don't believe you'll ever reach. What's the point of sacrificing things (denying cravings, opting to stay sober at a party, etc) if you don't feel like it's contributing to something? So I need to figure out a way to convince myself that it really will happen if I just set my mind to it and fucking do it!

I've always been the kind of person that hates to let people down. Hates to disappoint people. I'm a very dependable person - if I tell you I'm going to do something, I'll do it. I feel incredible guilt for having to let people down, even if it's not really my fault. But for some reason, I have no problem letting myself down. Cheating myself out of things that I really want. How stupid is that? I need to treat myself the way I treat other people. I've made this promise to myself, and I can't go back on it now. I will stick to this. I will follow through this time. I will reach my goal. And the feeling of succeeding and truly feeling good about myself for the first time in a long time will be so much better than any food I could ever eat.

So there it is. Another promise to myself that's similar to what I wrote in my first post, I believe. When does it end? When do I stop making empty promises and start acting on those words? From here on out I'm going to re-read all of this when I'm feeling the urge to cheat. It's just not worth it. Bottom line.

I promise myself I am going to go running tomorrow. I don't care if it's hot. I don't care if I feel shitty. I don't care if I'm too tired. Too bad.

I have to weigh myself on Thursday. Ugh. I probably gained back everything I lost. But it doesn't matter. I'm going to keep going and I won't let anything deter me. I'm done treating myself badly physically, mentally, and emotionally. It's time I stop letting myself down.