Sleeeep

Do you ever feel like you might be totally out of touch with reality? Not in an insane, mental asylum kind of way, but just feeling like you don't really know what's true or not, what's realistic, or maybe that your perception of things is completely different from everyone else's? I feel like that sometimes about a few different things. Like sometimes I feel pretty sure that something is going to happen down the road, but then I have to stop and wonder if that's really the case or it's completely illogical to think that. I don't know...it's kind of hard to explain, especially without going into a lot of details that I don't really want to divulge at this time and place. But I just wonder sometimes if other people ever feel this way.

My weight could kind of be another example of the whole perception thing. I know I'm not extremely fat. I think I need to lose some weight (just so that I'm healthier and for my own personal level of confidence), but I know that I'm not morbidly obese or anything. But sometimes I feel like I have no idea what I really look like to other people. There are times when I look around and feel like people probably see me as a relatively small person that just has some extra pounds to lose. But then other times I feel like maybe people see me as a heavy person. A "bigger" person. And none of this even necessarily matters, because I don't really care what other people think in this case. 200 people could tell me I don't need to lose any weight, but that won't change how I feel about myself and the fact that I'm not comfortable with where my body is. And this isn't even about asking for comments explaining how other people see me. It's more just the general idea that our perception of everything around us, and ourselves, could be completely different from everyone else sees. And we would never know. I think it would be an amazing thing to be able to see yourself from someone else's perspective. Have you ever been walking through a mall or something and seen yourself in a mirror that you didn't realize was there? And for a second you don't realize it's you? I think it's a very interesting thing to see yourself from the outside...unfortunately, it never lasts long enough for you to really take it in. Just something that has crossed my mind lately....

As for today, it was ok. The exercise has not been going so well. I felt pretty horrible all day. I tried to go to bed at 11:00 last night. I didn't fall asleep until after 3:30am. I was pretty much going insane, not only because trying to force yourself to fall asleep is extremely frustrating, but also because the time, the darkness, and the silence allowed me no escape from the thoughts I've been avoiding for the last week. My mind and imagination wandered to places I have been trying not to go, and it wasn't fun. But anyway, when I last looked at the clock at 3:30, I decided there was no way I was getting up for the boot camp class at 4:55. So I turned off my alarm. I haven't paid for the class yet, and it's setup so you can just come whenever you want to. So it wasn't really a big deal. Also, once you pay, you can't get refunded. But until then, she will subtract the price of any classes you haven't gone to. So at least I didn't pay for a class that I skipped. Anyway, I was going to go running later in the day, but I didn't. Boo me. My legs are still killing me from Wednesday! I can't believe how sore they are. I know I still need to go and that's not an excuse, but it just made it harder. Especially since I was only able to sleep until 8:30, so I just felt crappy all day. I'm done with the excuses though. I'm setting my alarm to go running before work in the morning. I will get up and go. That is a promise.

As for food, I did well. I woke up feeling crappy physically and mentally due to the horrible night's tossing and turning/sleep. One of my first thoughts was that I wanted a donut or a bagel or something. Something to give me some energy and to improve my mood. I got dressed and started to walk to the grocery store with every intention of buying food I shouldn't and just saying "to hell with it" for the first part of the day, at least. But half way there, I changed my mind. I decided I would just buy some fruit and some more vegetables so that I would have some more variety of healthy foods. Then I started to think maybe I would just buy one candy bar or something just to help me feel better, but I didn't even do that. I was quite impressed with myself.

So for breakfast I had a shake. For lunch I made lettuce wraps with chicken and salsa. For snacks I had carrot sticks with salsa and later a peach with a handful of raspberries (on sale!), and for dinner I had another shake. Yay me! I also did laundry and cleaned my room, which have both been on the to-do list for much too long.

Tomorrow - EXERCISE, work, and run some errands. Our friend Adam is coming in town tonight and staying for a few days (I think?), so the challenge will be not to drink or go out to eat with him and my room mate Robert. Even if I wasn't on a diet, I really don't need to be spending money on that stuff. So I will stick to my guns!

Hoping I can sleep...good night all.