Ugh.

So...first day of my "get in shape project." It started off well, but as usual, I end up screwing it up...

Last night I worked until almost 1am (which has been pretty typical for the last week). The boot camp class is at 6:30, which means I have to get up at 5:50 in order to get there in time. I was really tempted to just forget it and start on Friday, but I was supposed to go last Friday for a free class and didn't because I worked really late the night before. And then Monday my alarm didn't go off. So I really didn't want to not show up again. So I went. I was really proud of myself. The class is ok. Not quite as good as I was hoping - I thought it was going to be more dance focused than it is. But it was pretty much constant moving for an hour and I was definitely sweaty and tired by the end of it. And if nothing else, it got me out of bed when I know I wouldn't have made myself work out this morning if it hadn't been an organized thing. The teacher added Tuesday and Thursday classes beginning next week, so I can go 5 days a week for the same price. Sweet!

So I worked out. Check. Food wise, I stared off really well, too. I'm going to try to start off pretty hard core, as that usually works better for me. I have some diet shakes from a diet I did a while back, and I'm going to pair those with vegetables, fruits, and chicken. Then I'll add in some other foods as I feel the need. Today I had a shake and an orange for breakfast after my workout. Then I worked until 5. Came home and made a spinach salad with chicken and goat cheese (my one "splurge" if you want to call it that - because it's delicious on salads and makes me much more excited about eating a salad as opposed to something I shouldn't! And it's only about 50 calories for the portion I use). I put a balsamic vinaigrette on the salad - the kind that you can spray so you don't have to use too much.

So I was doing really well. Then I was craving something sweet. So I tried to be good and have an orange, hoping it would satisfy my sweet tooth (they always say that eating fruit makes you crave sweets less!) Well no such luck....I was sitting there trying to resist, but I ended up having three one-bite brownies. I was going to throw away all of the "bad food" I had in the apartment when I got home from work, but I hadn't gotten around to it yet. Big mistake. And typical me - once I've eaten something I shouldn't, I feel like I've screwed up my whole day, so the dialogue in my head goes something like "well, what's the point? I might as well eat whatever else I want and just start again tomorrow." Such horrible logic, but for some reason, it always gets me. So I ended up eating some potato chips, too. Luckily, I finally stopped myself and I think I'll just try not to eat anything else for the rest of the night. Hopefully I did ok calorie-wise since I hadn't eaten very much prior to those things.

I just need to figure out why I do this. I don't know why I can't remember all of my goals when I'm in that moment of craving and weakness. Why can't I think about how I will feel when I am at my goal weight and feeling really good about myself? Why can't I picture how great it will feel going home for Christmas in the best shape I've been in in six or seven years? For some reason, none of that comes into m head. Argh. It doesn't help that I'm home alone and I was watching TV and I was bored and the way my mind works, food always makes things better. So if I'm bored and lonely, it seems like I will at least feel better if I can have some good food while I'm bored and lonely. But it's not true. Because I just inevitably end up feeling guilty, stupid, and fat. And STILL bored and lonely! Sometimes I just feel like I will never learn.

Oh well. I'll keep trying. I meant to weigh myself this morning, but I forgot. So I'll do it tomorrow. I always dread weighing at the beginning of a diet. It's been a while since I've stepped on a scale, so I really hope I'm not a lot heavier than I was the last time. I really dread weighing myself in general, I guess. I hate it because it has the potential to either brighten or ruin my entire day. Even if I feel really thin, or feel like I look thin - if I weigh more than I expect to, I feel like crap. And I know it shouldn't be like that. There are a lot of variables that go into weight - muscle, water weight, etc. A lot of people say you shouldn't weigh yourself at all and just go by how your clothes fit, etc. But I just like to have that exact measuring device, even if it can mislead at times. Anyway, hopefully the number won't be too bad. And if it is, I guess that will just give me more motivation and incentive to do this for real this time.

So here's to a better day tomorrow!