Ok. I'm not thinking about the past. I'm not dwelling on the mistakes I made over the last few days. I'm moving forward right here, right now.
Ran 3 miles today. I'm a little worried...my leg was really hurting on my run. I'm icing it as I type this. I have to run 10 miles tomorrow and damnit, I'm going to do it! So my leg needs to cooperate! Hoping it will feel better tomorrow. I mean, c'mon...I gave it two days off!
So if all goes well, I will be running 10 miles at 6am tomorrow. It will be the farthest I've ever run, so I'm pretty excited about that milestone.
I've been analyzing myself a bit lately and I think one reason that I tend to fall off the wagon on the diet/exercise thing is because I tend to feel like nothing I do is good enough. Like, I run 4 miles, and I try to feel proud of myself, but there's this voice in the back of my head saying "That's not really that much. You should have done more." Even running EIGHT miles, that voice says "It's not that big of a deal. Pretty much anyone could do that." Like, really?? It's fucked up. And if you think in terms of if it was my friend or my boyfriend or something, and I'm constantly doing these things for him, but he is never satisfied, so I keep trying and trying, but it's never enough...eventually I'd say fuck it. What's the point? And so I think that's kind of what happens. So I need to figure out how to fix this. I still have this feeling of fear associated with running the marathon because I'm scared I might not be able to do it (although it's feeling more possible every week!), but another one of my fears is that I'll cross that finish line and that voice will say "It was only a half. It's not like you ran a FULL marathon." It's so stupid, and yet it's there. So I need to work on this...
Anyway, that's about it. Think good thoughts for my leg! 10 miles tomorrow!
Ok. Yeah. You need to stop that line of thinking, plain and simple. Not to go all therapist on you, but that's emotional abuse...and you're doing it to yourself! There's no need for it, and there's certainly no benefit to it. At least not at the extremes you seem to be going to.
ReplyDeleteYou're literally not being rational. "Anyone" can NOT run 8 miles! I don't even think I can run ONE mile without stopping to walk a couple times. No joke.
Thanks for the comment. :) In the main part of my mind, I know it's not rational and it doesn't make sense. But for some reason, it's still there in the back of my mind. So it's just a question of how to change it...
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