It has been a rough week. Trying to get back into my old mindset has been difficult after being sick and everything. It's been easier than times in the past when I've gone on vacation or had some kind of interruption in the middle of a diet, so I have to commend myself for making it much more of a routine and lifestyle than I ever have before, but I still feel like I'm not quite back to where I was.
What's worse though is that I've just felt completely horrible this week. I feel like I look heavier than I have in a really long time...like the heaviest I've looked since before Christmas, and I feel really heavy, too. I don't know if it's weight I gained over my birthday and the time I was sick, or if it's just my imagination because I felt bad about not working out for a week. I just feel completely unattractive and down on myself in every way. I feel fat, I feel like my skin isn't looking good, my hair, everything. I don't know...I just feel really awful. Maybe it's just from having been sick and still getting over a cold. My body is probably just not 100% yet and I'm sure that's going to have an affect on my physical appearance, too. But it's just really bumming me out. And while feeling fat should give you more motivation to diet and lose weight, it's just making me feel like throwing in the towel. I'm not going to quit, but I just can't help feeling that I should be further along by now. I mean, I've completely changed my way of eating and I've been exercising 5-6 times a week for several months. I don't want to feel self conscious about my body anymore and I don't think I should still feel like that after all of this! I just feel like I'm still in such a fragile place. I mean, yes, I've lost weight and I look and feel better. But I just always feel like I'm one bad day away from screwing it all up again. I just want to be at my goal weight already so I can start easing up a little. But I feel like I'm never going to get there.
Yesterday I was REALLY close to having a total binge day. I woke up in a shitty mood and had the day off of work. I really didn't feel like doing anything or seeing anyone. I just wanted to go to the store, buy a million bags of chips and candy, etc. and just go at it. I kept repeating to myself that binging was not an option. But it's hard when you feel so shitty about yourself. I went to the store in the morning to get carrots for juicing and I was SO close to just buying a bunch of junk food. I had to tell myself that after I drank my juice and worked out, if I still wanted to, I could come back and buy whatever I wanted. I knew I wouldn't once I worked out, but it was all I could do to get myself out of that store without enough sugar and junk to feed an army! I just feel like I was in a really good place before I went home for my birthday....I had lost 4 pounds since coming back from Christmas and I would say I was about 5 pounds away from my goal. Now I just feel like being sick threw everything off and I have no idea how far I am from my goal. I'm weighing myself on Thursday, but I just feel so heavy. I don't know why....hopefully it's just some bloating or water retention from eating badly last week, and it's not actual weight gain. I guess we'll see. In the meantime, I'm still proud of myself for getting back on track and not giving up. But I'm just ready to start seeing results again and to feel like I'm still moving forward.
Breakfast: Carrot juice. Lunch: Guacamole salad and sweet potato. Dinner: Salad with sundried tomatoes and vegetable stir fry. Snacks: Dark chocolate.
Ran and did abs this morning.
Good night.
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