I'm screwing this up...and I need to stop.
I ate badly again today. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't even get any pleasure from it. It's like I expect to get emotional relief, but I don't, so I just keep trying rather than giving up and realizing that you can't get emotional relief (especially long-term) from food.
I just feel completely lost in my own life. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what I want. I don't know how I feel. "I'm only sure that I'm not sure." I guess my gut reaction has always been to turn to food when I'm in emotional turmoil. But I don't want to do that. I feel like my weight loss is the only worth while thing I've accomplished in the last year. So why the hell am I sabotaging it now?
I originally took a day off my diet because I felt like it was getting me down. But I think what was really getting me down was feeling like I was at a stand still with my weight loss. I was just feeling heavier after my birthday and being sick, so I just didn't feel good about it. And I guess I wasn't seeing my body snap back as quickly as I wanted to, so I felt the need to find some source of comfort. But what I really want is to feel motivated and excited about my weight loss again. I want to feel like I'm continuing to move forward. I've just become really bored with my exercise routine. I don't get that high anymore because it's the same thing every day. I like walking away from a workout feeling like I really pushed myself and went beyond anything I expected I could do. But I can't feel like that when I'm just doing the same thing I've been doing for 2 months. I've been tempted to start running more or further, but as it is, I think I'm probably doing too much. So I don't want to just end up sabotaging myself that way. I just don't know what to do. I want to feel motivated to continue to lose weight. And I don't want to look back on this week months from now, having gained it all back, and think "why didn't I just keep going?" I've been there before, and I don't want to remember this week. I want this to be a minor bump in the journey.
I just sometimes wonder if it will ever be good enough. If I'LL ever feel good enough.I've worked so hard, and yet I still feel so far from where I want to be. And it makes me feel like I'll never get there. It's hard to keep going when you feel like that. I wish I had money to get a trainer or take a bunch of classes. I just want to be pushed. I want to do things I didn't think I could do. I want to impress myself. I want to strive to be better.
I can't screw this up. I've come too far. The girl I've become worked too hard to let this girl come ruin it all. I hate this girl and I don't want to be her anymore.
I'm going to do some mediation tonight and try to clear my head. I hope tomorrow will be better. Hopefully I can come up with some solutions to the things that are making this more difficult. Any encouraging or inspirational words or ideas are, as always, much appreciated.
Good night.
Honestly, I think you need to find other things that make you happy than just working out (and that's a bit of an exaggeration, but you know what I mean). It's great that you really want to strive to go further in your fitness goals, and push yourself to new levels...I mean, geez, I wish I had that kind of drive. I envy it in you! But, I think if that's your only focus and the only thing that gives you pleasure or positivity, then it's just bound to wear thin occasionally. You'll burn out, you know? And that may partly be what's happening now.
ReplyDeleteObviously you still have the drive to stay fit, and that's great. But there's got to be a reason why your sabotaging it somewhat lately. Maybe it's not really satisfying what you need. It's a hard thing to maintain a lifestyle as strict as yours has been, so definitely don't beat yourself up TOO much for it. But just try and find the reasons why it's become more difficult, why you're turning to things that don't actually make you feel better. But, I can see that's what you're trying to do.
I just think you need to find more comfort in your life than just your diet and exercise, you know? Try to find some hobbies, interests, whatever, to keep you fullfilled while also working on your fitness goals. Try to be as well rounded as possible. I know you work a lot, but I think you can find the time.
And maybe you are already doing this, but it's just a thought. Your drive for fitness may be so strong because it's overcompensating for what else might be missing in your life. Once again, not necessarily a bad thing - I wish I could find that drive more often - but you want it to be a healthy drive; part of a well rounded woman's life.
Just try to remember that happiness is a choice. Do things that make you happy on the outside, but know that it's your mindset on the inside that really counts...as HORRIBLY cliche' as that sounds. Choose to see yourself as the person you want to be. I am really starting to think that if people just start seeing themselves in a certain way, they'll become it. Maybe that's naive or cliche' or just ridiculous, but it's the best I've got so far. ;)
Hope this made ANY sense. Sorry for the long winded reply, and best of luck! And one more thing: also, try to see a freedom in your options and choices and thoughts...as muddled as they may be. Your life is open ended...enjoy the journey in deciding where to go next. That usually helps me not stress too much and actually see it in a positive light.
Ok, I'm done!
I've definitely used working out and fitness to compensate for other things. I know that. I mean, I pretty much threw myself into it at a time when I had absolutely nothing here. That's not really the case anymore, but I'm still definitely lacking a lot of things. I just don't know what else to balance it out with, I guess.
ReplyDeleteThat's kind of the problem in my life in general right now, I don't know what I want to do...I don't know what's going to make me happy. I'm looking and trying to figure it out, but I can't let that sabotage the one good thing I've done in the meantime, you know?
Thanks for your comment!
I agree. Nothing wrong with focusing that restless energy into something like working out in the meantime! Just don't let other things fall by the wayside, and make sure you're taking care of yourself in ALL areas. :)
ReplyDelete