Hiding Behind

Ugh, it wasn't a great day....

All of my roommate's went to our friend's house for a Super Bowl party. While I couldn't care less about watching the Super Bowl, the party would have been fun. Especially since it was at the house of one of my best friend's from college, who I've only seen once since I moved here since she lives about an hour away. But instead of going to the party, I had to work. Which was made even worse by the fact that we were completely dead and I went home with about $40. Boo.

To make the day worse, I ate horribly. I started out really good. Had my vegetable juice this morning, and had my normal lunch. Then I had some gummy bears that I bought earlier in the week (for some reason I have been craving them so much lately!) after lunch. I wasn't feeling too guilty about it, just trying to splurge a little without freaking out. But then I went to work. Since we were so dead, there wasn't much to do. I was bored, which made it much harder than usual to resist the "family meal." So I ate a little pasta. On the way home I was feeling guilty, but I convinced myself it wasn't that big of a deal. It didn't mean my whole day was ruined. So I came home and grilled some vegetables and made a salad for dinner. Unfortunately, after that I was still hungry and ended up having some chips and dip and some mozzarella sticks. Ugh! I suck.

I've always been an emotional eater, but I usually use food to make myself feel better. For comfort. This time I kind of feel like I'm using it as more of a distraction from my feelings. I've just felt really disconnected from everything lately...I don't know how I feel. And I think maybe I've been using food as something to hide behind almost. Like, I can focus on feeling guilty about eating badly or mad at myself for screwing up my diet, rather than feeling the things I really should be feeling with everything going on lately. I don't know...maybe that's just me reading way too far into it all. I just feel very disconnected. I can't remember the last time I cried....and I feel like I need to. But at the same time, I feel like I'm a million miles away from everything. Kind of hard to explain...but at the end of the day, I need to keep reminding myself that food will do nothing to solve my problems. And in fact, it will make them worse.

What's even stupider is that today was the first day since before I was sick that I looked and felt thinner again. Like more like I did before and after Christmas. And then what do I do? Go screw it up. Argh! It's ok though. It's one day. One MORE day, I guess, since the past week has been up and down. But regardless, by the end of the week, I'm sure it will have very little effect on how I look or even what I weigh. I just need to figure out how to break this cycle and really get back on track again. I am not giving up.

Good night.