Well I did actually have a productive day yesterday. I got a lot of things done. So it would have been a good day except for the fact that I ate horribly and didn't ever go to the gym. I started to change into my gym clothes, but I just couldn't find the motivation. I tried to focus on how I would feel afterward, the high that I get while I'm running, the feeling of the outside world being blocked away by the sound of the music from my iPod. But for some reason, it just wouldn't click, and I couldn't make myself go. It didn't help that I'm still fighting off this cold. And it was so hot outside yesterday (and inside my too-poor-to-use-air-conditioning apartment) that the thought of working out and being even hotter and sweaty sounded so unappealing.
I'm trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel and know that I'm going to snap myself out of this. I have something happening tomorrow that will hopefully help me get back into a good mindset. I will post about that tomorrow.
I feel like I'm in a vicious cycle. I just feel depressed, which makes me much more likely to eat unhealthy foods (and too much of them). But eating badly, not working out, and feeling horrible about how I look makes me more depressed. So I need to break myself out of it, but it's hard. I just find myself feeling so uninterested in most things lately. It's like, all of the things I used to like or that used to make me happy just seem indifferent to me now. Most of the time I feel like I'd rather go home and go to bed. How sad is that? And even when there is something I want to go out and do, the thought of finding something to wear makes me miserable because 95% of my clothes either don't fit anymore or look completely awful. Jeans that I couldn't wear three months ago because they were just too big and baggy almost won't button now. That might be the most depressing thing I've ever seen. How did I get here? Why the heck did I do this to myself? Why didn't I just stop myself one or two days (even weeks!) into screwing this up and realize I could just turn around and be back where I was in such a short time? I suppose two months from now I could be saying the same thing about this moment. Yes, I'm further away from my goal that I was two months ago. But I'm closer than I might be in a month. And the more I dig myself into this hole, the harder it will be to get out. Yes, I've erased the progress I made before. But in 2-3 months I could be back. That's really not that long. Maybe I won't be in perfect shape for swimsuit season, maybe the next month of working out and dieting will be frustrating because I'll still feel so out of shape with all the work I'm doing, but who cares? I'll still feel better because I'm doing what I need to do to get to where I want to be. And I'll at least look BETTER in a swimsuit, even if I'm not to my goal weight yet. I just need to do it.
The damage is not entirely done, girl. You're right. Getting back on that horse right now will be much easier than it will be in a week, a month, a year. Know that we all support you, and try to remember how good working out and eating well makes you feel. How powerful, how strong, how proud. GO GO EMMERS!
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