I had a bad day. It started off ok...but as the day went on, I just got more and more down. I walked to the grocery store to get some more fruits and vegetables. I kind of always feel like I'm on the edge of a breakdown lately....and there was a point in the store where I just felt like I wanted to sit down in the aisle and start crying. God...I sound like a crazy person. But I just feel so completely alone out here, and worse, I feel like a complete idiot because I chose this. I just don't know how to keep going day after day. Even if there's an end in sight (and there's no guarantee of getting back to what I miss or moving on to something better), it's a long way off, and I just don't know how much longer I can live in this darkness.
My diet pretty much followed the pattern of my day. For breakfast I had a bagelthin with cream cheese and a bowl of mango and nectarines. For lunch I had grilled chicken with yellow squash and steamed beets (which, although very healthy for you, I've decided I don't like). After that, it went downhill. I was planning to go see a movie in the afternoon (by myself). I knew I would be tempted to get snacks, so at the store, I searched for some healthy or at least low calorie snacks I could bring in. They didn't have a very wide selection of 100 calorie snacks, and I was really craving chips. So I bought a bag of chips that were relatively low calorie and I decided I'd just bring some in a small ziploc bag. I also bought some individually wrapped chocolates that were also pretty low in calories. Well....I didn't end up going to the movie because I decided it wasn't worth spending the money. I was watching TV shows, etc. online, so I figured I'd have my the snacks I planned to bring to the movie. I started off doing well - small portions. But slowly I just started to "not care" anymore. I was bored, lonely, and depressed, and food seemed like my only option for distraction. Pretty much my typical story when it comes to emotional eating. So I ate a lot of chips, too many chocolates, and a few spoonfuls of peanut butter. I skipped dinner, but I'm sure I still went over my calorie limit.
I guess I'll give myself some credit and point out the fact that I didn't go completely crazy like I usually do. I didn't go out and get fast food (which I considered). I didn't decide I'd screwed everything up so I might as well eat everything I've craved the entire time I've been on the diet. And I stopped myself and ate some fruit to try to satisfy myself in a healthy way. But I still ate way too much.... And it just sucks because I felt like I was doing good about treating myself often enough that I wouldn't feel the need to do this. But I think it's just really hard for me to redirect my habits when I'm in such an emotional place right now. And on top of that, I have very little to distract me.
I had decided earlier in the day that I was going to make today my skip day for exercise (since I plan to take one day off a week). However, I did walk to the store (about 1/2 a mile round trip) and then after my "binge," I decided I should get out of the house, so I went to see my roommate's improv show. I walked there, which is 4.2 miles round trip. So I guess walking more than 4.5 miles on a "skip day" is pretty good, and I guess that will help burn at least some of the extra calories I took in. I'll probably do a little bit of extra exercise tomorrow to compensate as well. I just wish I could stop doing this to myself.
Work tomorrow, which I'm dreading. But it's a new week, so hopefully I can start fresh and it will go back to normal. And at least I'll have something to do tomorrow, so I won't be tempted to re-enact today's events. After work, I'll come home and exercise hardcore. I think it will feel good. Get all this out of my system and start fresh. No more guilt or beating myself up...just move on and do what needs to be done.
Good night.
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