It was a really rough day for the most part. I didn't feel very good physically, I felt really horrible mentally/emotionally, and it was another gloomy day outside - which I actually like this time of year, but it makes me want to spend the day in bed and be very unproductive.
I felt ok this morning. I relaxed for a while and then walked to the Borders down the street to get a new book that just came out in a fiction series I read. Then I went to the grocery store. While I was there, that light-headed/swimmy feeling in my head came back. It's been there a little bit over the last week or so, but it was really bad today. To the point where at times I felt like I needed to stop and grab the shopping cart so I didn't pass out. Ugh...what the hell is wrong with me?? I need to go to the doctor...but I really can't afford it. Especially since 95% of the time I go to a doctor they have no idea what's wrong.
Anyway, I managed to finish my shopping and walk home. I made some lunch and felt a little better after that. But I was hit with a major bout of loneliness and depression today. I just miss my old life so much...I miss my friends. I feel so alone out here and haven't met anyone that I really have any interest in hanging out with. I know I haven't been here that long, and maybe that will change, but it's going on two and a half months of basically doing nothing and being alone all the time (other than occasionally hanging out with my roommate's). It's getting really depressing...especially knowing what I'm missing at home. So I basically had kind of an emotional breakdown in the afternoon while my roommate's were at work and rehearsal. I thought about going to buy a bottle of wine, but the idea of drinking at home by myself was even more depressing. Don't get me wrong - I enjoy having time to myself. I love having nights where I can get some take out or cook a nice dinner, drink some wine, and watch a girly movie or TV show or something. But when you basically do that every day for 10 weeks, it gets a little old. Ugh.
Around 5 or so I decided I probably wasn't going running today. Even though I like running in the cool weather, it just looked really COLD and not appealing. And I felt down. And I figured that my body could probably use a day off, and it might actually be good to rest. Normally I only plan to workout 6 days a week anyway, but I planned to workout every day this week to make up a little for last week and to really get the routine hammered into my system. But I figured it would probably be ok to just take the day off in light of how I was feeling.
I stayed under my calories for the day and ate healthy meals, but I ate horribly unhealthy when it came to snacks - mostly because of my mood. For breakfast I had one of the vitamuffins and some strawberries. I realized when I went to make some eggs that I had run out of pretty much all my food, so I didn't have a lot of choices. Then for lunch I made a carrot and sweet potato soup that I had a recipe for in a detox book I bought earlier this year. I never ended up really trying the diet because it's very hard core and too restrictive for me, but the other night I looked through it to get some recipe ideas. So when I went to the store, I bought ingredients for a couple of them. The soup was delicious! And really healthy! Really good for weather like today, too. I'm looking forward to trying out the other recipes. After lunch is when my day went downill. I decided to have a bag of the 100 calorie popcorn, which wasn't too bad, although I was going to try to only do 1-2 of those snacks a week, since they aren't really that healthy. Also, when I was at the store, I ended up buying a Hershey bar because I was craving chocolate. And lucky me - it was buy one, get one free. And we all know that I'm an idiot, so of course I took advantage of the deal. Ugh! Anyway, I had one of the candy bars with the popcorn and then had a bag of 100 calorie chocolate covered pretzels, too. Later I was really craving some thai chicken fried rice, which is one of my major cravings lately! (I need to find a semi-healthy recipe for this!) I was trying to look up the average calorie amount for it, and everything I found was extremely depressing. lol. So I convinced myself it wasn't worth it. Go me! Instead, I made some grilled chicken with some horseradish sauce and cooked carrots. After that, I ended up eating the other Hershey bar. Nooo!! Did I mention I was an emotional wreck today?? After that, I started to slip into binge mode. I had OD'd on chocolate, so I was craving something salty to counter-act that. Potato chips sounded amazing. I was really, really close to going out to get some (thank God there weren't any in the house!), but you know what I did instead? I convinced myself to go run. I figured it would make me feel better and curb my need to binge. And if, worse-case scenario, I still wanted to eat a bunch of junk food when I got back (which I knew was highly unlikely), at least I would have just burned about 500 calories to help balance it out. So I went. My total distance was 5.1 miles - I ran the first 3 straight and then probably at least another combined mile after that. Then I came home and did a lot of much needed stretching/meditation. I felt so much better afterward. And all I ate after that was an orange. Total calories: 1460. Not a lot of healthy foods eaten, but I'm pretty proud of myself for keeping it together. Maybe I'm finally getting the hang of this.
Th next few days will be pretty busy. Working in the morning. Then Thursday I have two auditions and then work, and then another audition on Friday followed by a closing shift at work. Day off on Saturday, which I'm sure will be much appreciated after a few busy days. And of course, workouts fit in as well.
Hopefully everything else will start looking up soon, but at least I kept the things I can control in check. For now, that's all I can do.
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