I had a horrible day pretty much from the minute I got out of bed this morning. I set my alarm to get up and run before work. I hit snooze and really didn't want to get up. But I told myself that these are the moments that are going to really count when my goal is achieved and nobody said this was going to be easy. So I got up. Then I weighed myself. I gained a pound.........What??
There's no reason I should have gained. I had one day that I screwed up and went over my calorie limit (not exactly sure how much over) but I walked like 5 miles that day - which would have otherwise been my day off of exercise. AND even if I still didn't compensate for the extra calories, there is no way that should have amounted to a gain for the week. If anything, it should have meant I only lost like 1 pound or maybe less. But not GAINED. I don't get it. I will say that it's that time of the month and I woke up feeling really bloated. But I highly doubt that would mean a 2-3 pound difference on the scale.
So after that lovely piece of information, I went back to bed. Argh. I just lost all of my motivation. I did plan to run later in the evening, but I just couldn't do it after that. So I went to work. Had a crappy day there because I had one table and didn't even make enough to pay for parking. Wonderful. Then went to see my Dad, which was good. Except for the fact that we were talking a lot about me being here and what I want to do from here, etc., etc. and it should have made me feel better, but it just ended up making me feel a million times worse. And even more like I have no idea what to do. And like I'll never feel like I'm good enough - not necessarily for him or for anyone else. But just in general. For myself, I guess. I just feel pretty worthless....and maybe that (on top of the fact that I gained weight after a week of working really hard) led me to say forget the diet and eat a million things I shouldn't have and probably a million calories over my limit. AND not go running. Great start to my fifth week.
I just don't even know what to do. It's like, no matter what I try to stop myself from feeling the need to use food as a comfort, it doesn't work. And my instinct is to try to "fix" it by compensating. But I don't even know how many calories I'd need to compensate for. And even if I could figure it out, it would probably be a ridiculous amount. So I should just move on from here and start fresh in the morning. But even if I do that, and even if I hadn't screwed up today, apparently my body doesn't want to lose weight anyway! How can I gain weight after a week of doing consistent exercise and eating a conservative amount of calories? I just don't get it. So I don't even know what to change.... Am I eating too much? Am I eating too little? Am I working out too much? Too little? Ugh! How is anybody supposed to be able to figure this out? It shouldn't be this hard!
I don't know what I'm going to do.... I guess start again tomorrow. But I just feel like this entire week is going to feel so futile because no matter what I do, at the end of it, I'm most likely still going to gain even more just because of today.
I'm just so mad at myself and so sick of this stupid endless cycle.
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